90 MINUTES

This I SO IMPORTANT! As a Mom, I know how difficult it can be just to simply take a shower and wash my hair. Not only from lack of energy/time, but anxiety and depression, as well, because they make me question myself- if I’m capable of showering without my children in plain sight.
I struggle with insomnia, so without “special medication” I cannot sleep, because I’m constantly worrying if I’m going to have enough time to do certain things the following day, or wondering what food to make my kids for lunch, or even replaying a scenario in my head that upset me.
It’s always been a challenge to put myself first. My anxiety has controlled me most of my life, and I’ve been trying to make my life better for me and my children, without feeling guilty about it.

THE REBEL MAMA

Written and submitted by a fellow Rebel Mama.

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I’ve got a guilty little secret. I say guilty because it sometimes feels like an indulgence…

Twice a week for 45 minutes, I get to sit and sip coffee and talk about myself.  And although on occasion I have been known to talk to myself (there is a female genetic trade in our family for talking to oneself), in this case, there is actually someone on the receiving end listening to me.

Listening. Listening only to me. Attention undivided. Judgement held back. No rush to comment about a personal experience.

My secret is that I’m a mom in therapy. The guilty part is that it’s 90 minutes a week away from my responsibilities; away from my kids.

So, how did I end up in therapy? On the surface, I’ve got my shit together. I have two amazing children conceived with no…

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Happy Birthday Baby Bro

April 24, 2017

Today is my brother’s birthday. He would have been 27 today. I miss him so much.
The world has not been the same since he left. My world, in particular. My family’s world.

I don’t know what to do anymore. To get past this. I really don’t…
Maybe I’ll go back to counseling. Hopefully, she can help me.

My job helps me keep busy, and, luckily, I have pretty awesome coworkers. They’re always making me laugh.

On another note, I was taken off of my antidepressant and put on a Bipolar medication. It’s been a little over 4 weeks now. The only thing I’ve noticed that has changed is my anger. It has gotten much worse, and I hate it! I don’t know what is wrong with me.

April 1 2017 – April Fool’s Day.

Today is commonly known as April Fool’s Day.

Today is also my twins’ birthday party! 🎂 

They will be officially 2 years old on April 4th. I cannot believe They are turning two… Time seriously flies by!

To give you a little update, since I haven’t posted much in a while- I have a new job! It’s just dishwashing but it’s a job that pays money! Lol

I’ve been very stressed and overwhelmed the past two months trying to get a job and battling my “inner daemons”. Arguing with people over dumb stuff. Losing some friends over it.

So, yeah, I’ve been a bit tied up. Lol. Not to mention how active the twins are! They sure are exhausting. 

Well I had better rest before the morning Comes. Have lots of decorations to put up, and will have to run out to pick up a few last minute items. 

Goodnight all.

Family Is Everything

This picture was taken on Mother’s Day 2015, in the waiting room outside of St. Mary’s NICU, where my twins were born. 
From left to right, my Aunt Olga, Uncle Mike, my Mom, Myself, My Dad, and my brother Nick.

Yes, for those who have been following me, that is my brother that passed away December 5 2015.

I remember this day very well. It was a surprise for my father, his sister showing up at the Hospital. This day was also the first time my dad was meeting his very first 2 grandchildren. My Aunt and Uncle were on the West Coast of Florida visiting (I live on the East Coast) and they wanted to come see the girls. We also thought it would be neat to surprise my dad. And boy, was he! He cried a little bit. It was a very sweet and awesome moment. I loved that day. My Aunt had a one-on-one conversation with every one of us. She gave me a gold necklace with a pendant/charm that said “Mom” with a Ruby gem. It’s beautiful.

My Aunt got to hold Raven. She was enthralled. Amazed. Hypnotized. 

To this day, my little Warrior Princesses never seize to amaze and shock. When I tell strangers their story, their mouths always drop. It’s kinda like having celebrities as children, LMAO.

This photo took FOREVER to upload, so I hope you guys enjoy it and this post! 

Don’t hesitate to comment on this post, or any of my other posts, for productive criticism and ideas. I’m always up for learning something new! 🙂

I don’t know how to feel.

The title says it all: I Don’t Know How To Feel. 

I joined this blogging site because it was different. But I don’t get very many viewers… I have noticed that the blogs here are mostly articles involving something. Some may even get paid for what they post. I don’t really post stuff like that, so I’m not sure if this is the site for me. 

Christmas with Santa 2016

Of course I had to take my girls to get pictures with Santa! What kind of mothers would I be if I didn’t LOL. We went to Bass Pro Shop, which is like 15 minutes from my house, instead of the Mall, which is about 30 minutes away. I’m glad I did because there was barely a line when we got there. The Mall was probably packed. 

Last year, they got their Santa pictures done in Ohio at JC Penney. They didn’t react much last year. This year, however, Raven didn’t like Santa very much. Aurora didn’t know what to make out of him but she wasn’t crying like her sister, LOL. She started clapping cause she saw me clapping.

They look so beautiful!! My Aunt bought them those dresses for their 1st birthday back in April, and they were still a little loose lol they’re 12 Month size. My little angels! 👼 👼💖💖👑👑

They’ve grown so much in a year. It’s crazy. They are so perfect, in every single way. Yes, they have their “toddler” moments, but they are still so perfect in my eyes. The terrible two’s are just a faze. They’ll outgrow that. But they will ALWAYS be beautiful and sweet and loving. I can’t wait until Christmas morning when they open their presents! This Christmas will be fun and special. 💘

Christmas Parade 2016

I took the girls to their first Christmas Parade on Friday December 2, 2016. They enjoyed it very much. They had several marching bands from different schools, several fire trucks and a big Sheriff boat, in addition to the standard Christmas-themed platforms. 

They were very well behaved that night, as well. I was a little worried being right on the sidewalk, thinking they would try running into the road every 5 seconds. But they didn’t. They were getting lots of attention as usual. They just love that! 
 

Feeling Like You’re Falling Behind?

I came across an article that I really liked, and felt some comfort from the words. It’s called To Anyone Who Thinks They’re Falling Behind In Life. Now, the writer of this article is 22 years old and I’m 27, so I feel this more than she does. LOL. 

I haven’t graduated with a degree yet, I’m currently not working, and I’m a single mother of twins. That means I live with my parents. I’m not saying that living with your parents is a bad thing, but when you’re almost 30 with 2 kids it kinda makes me look bad. Am I right?

I really do want to go back to work. I’ve applied for multiple jobs in the last week. Hopefully I can get one where I can transfer once my parents sell the house and I move down to West Palm Beach with my biological mother. 

I know I haven’t been posting much either, lately. I’m going to try to work on that. Happy Holidays!

December 5, 2016. 1 Year since my Brother passed away.

Today was a day we ALL dreaded every single day this year. Although, I have nothing bad to say about today. Yes, it was a day of remembrance for all of us who loved Nick (my brother). I really think we all handled it very well. 

I got another tattoo for him. It’s 2 Hockey sticks that connect into a heart. Nick played Hockey for a very long time, and loved it so much. I also put his initials inside of the heart.

My friends Christine, Nikole, and Mariah (Nick’s girlfriend) came with me, and so did my beautiful girls. Nikole also got a tattoo for Nick. Hers was in Ukrainian.

His dates are in Roman Numerals and in Ukrainian it says “Rest with the Angels”, I believe. 

We had a great time together at the tattoo shop. My friend Grant did both of our tattoos. This is the 4th tattoo that he has done for me. My brother was covered (had 2 full sleeves) mainly by Grant, as well. They were great friends. Grant is also a fantastic tattoo artist. He has done, aside from this one, a pirate skull on my left arm and 2 Memorials on my upper back (My brother on my right shoulder and my biological father in the center). 

I bought everyone at the shop McDonald’s for dinner, and then all of us girls went to Jensen Beach to our regular spot for a bonfire to relax. It was very nice and the sky was just beautiful and the stars were clear. I wanted to leave a homemade cross there, but it would’ve been taken down. So I have to figure out something else to do with it. Find somewhere to put it where it will be safe and respected.

Nicholas Robert Stadnyk, you were the best baby brother I could ever have, and the best Uncle & Godfather my two precious baby girls could ever have. You were loved beyond words. So many people love and care about you. I hope you knew that. I know that depression was a battle you struggled with, alongside addiction. I know firsthand just how difficult that can be. I’m glad that you aren’t suffering anymore. You are finally at peace! Today, baby brother, with be a celebration of your life-forever. I will make sure it is always filled with laughter and happy memories of you.